Former Sword editor Paul B. returns this week with a four-part series of posts on addiction to celebrate the premiere of NakedSword’s new original feature .
In his words, this first piece is “an interview of an alcoholic by a crackhead, in which 14-years-sober cops to masturbating to videos of his ex and tells me to stop talking about myself.”
Paul B: So one reason I thought it’d be fun to interview you about addiction and such is that we’ve actually met before, when I was a raging tweaker, and I don’t think you remember.
Adam Herst: I don’t remember.
Because…I actually have fucked you before.
I literally fucked you.
No you didn’t.
Yes I did. We met online. You turned me away at first because I was smoking a cigarette. So I went to Walgreens and got a toothbrush and called you back and you let me in and I brushed my teeth and we fucked.
Oh my gosh! That was you!
I’m glad you remember after all. I felt so guilty at the time. You kept talking about being sober and there I was on meth. You seemed not to notice, and in fact you hit me up again the following week, but I couldn’t get hard, because I was on meth, and so you said I needed to get fucked, but my ass was full of shit, so I ran away and I wouldn’t see you again until years later, sober myself this time, at a meeting.
We’ve been talking these past nine months and I had no idea.
So could you tell I was on meth at the time? I’m asking because either I looked different or you have a terrible memory.
I’ve had nine brain injuries, I have a terrible memory, but I tend to remember sex more if it’s going somewhere, and people who need toothbrushes in this town seem to do meth. No judgment about that, but I just can’t stand bad breath.
I didn’t have bad breath! I was a hygiene tweaker. I spent all day scrubbing my feet and doing my nails. The reason I needed a toothbrush is because I smoked.
Yeah smoking turns me off. But yeah I don’t remember the actual sex part, and that doesn’t mean it wasn’t good, it just means it didn’t happen more than a couple times.
I’m really sexually frustrated these days. Now that I’m sober I’ve been doing the Triple M a lot, which in recovery means: masturbate, meditate, go to a meeting.
That’s genius. I’ve been doing that for 14 years.
I limit myself to 15 minutes a day on hookup sites. I used to spend 15 hours a day on them. Have you had that problem?
I haven’t hooked up online in the past year. I took a break from that. I usually just search on porn sites. And stone cold sober I’ve spent three hours doing that without realizing it, looking for new twinks to look at.
Especially ginger twinks. And if they have any fur on them all the better.
So I just need to quit smoking, dye my hair red, get some scotch tape and some hair…
And learn to bottom. And you’re golden.
Alright cool. Because you’re on the market now.
I am single. So, where is this interview going?
Are you not enjoying the interview? Did you expect to talk about something other than me?
I just thought we were going to talk about recovery.
Fine. Tell me about your recovery.
I had my first drink at 5, and by High School I was a heavy drinker, secretly, and then the college I went to suggested I not go there anymore, and that was a mess. So I did factory work for a year, and I sliced my hand open a bunch of times by accident because I was drunk the whole time. I was a very angry person.
Were you a little sex fiend back then?
Not until I met my first gay playmate. I was 19. We met in an AOL chatroom. I drove 600 miles to him.
Hopefully he looked like his pics.
Not at all. They were taken in dark rooms and blurry. But I went anyway. I needed to feel okay about being gay. Incidentally my older brother is gay too.
Is he hot?
No comment. He did come across a few of my films recently. He told me, “So I know about your career.” And I was like, “Yeah, and I don’t think we’re gonna talk about that, are we.” And he said, “No.” And that was it. I mean, I’ve done a hundred movies, it’s hard to hide it.
Awkward. So, you got sober pretty young.
Yeah, at 24. I was a big fucking mess. Because I grew up in a violent alcoholic environment, and my propensity to violence frightened me. And I knew I had to get my alcohol under control. So I went to an AA meeting and haven’t drank since.
You’re a very masculine guy.
Yeah I’ve been told that. I can’t help it. I don’t match well, I’m not a good dancer…
I’m going to stop you there, because when a gay guy starts bragging about how much he’s not gay, there reaches a point when the whole thing becomes really gay.
Good point. That is wise.
Have you encountered drug use on set?
No. I mean a few guys have been stoned but that’s it. Tweaking does not make for good video, and you can tell, and I like to be proud of what I do because it’s going to be out in the world forever.
Do you talk to your co-stars about your recovery?
Yeah, I share my story when it’s appropriate. If it seems like their life was a mess, I’ve told them that I used to have to drink every day, and today I don’t have to. But I don’t push anything.
I was transitioning from alcoholic to tweaker when I first met you years ago. You had us meet in a coffeeshop first.
Yeah so I could find out what a crazy bitch you were. But you weren’t. You got to come up to my house. Was I showing off my abs outside the coffeeshop window?
No. That sounds weird. Do you do that?
Yeah, because some guys when they see a hot guy tend to discount themselves so much that they don’t think they’re good enough, and I appreciate confidence and guts. Confidence and guts means more to me than physique. If they have the balls to come up to me, that turns me on. I get the chance to fuck lots of sub sluts at Bound Gods. They’re there to do whatever I tell them. If I want to spit in their face or have them crawl on the floor and lick all the cum up, they’ll do it.
So in your private life you get turned on by the opposite?
So in my private life I’m turned on by guts.
Maybe that has something to do with your self-aware, intimidating persona. Maybe it serves to filter for that sort of confidence in the guys you meet.
Years ago, a couple weeks after our disastrous second meeting, I actually texted you and told you I was an alcoholic and wanted to get sober. That was the first time I ever considered the fact that I had a problem. But I didn’t have the gall to tell you that actually I was a tweaker.
Because that’s somehow worse?
Well. Yes. You don’t think so?
No. A drug is a drug. Anything that takes you away from life. You can do it with cake.
Please. Cake won’t have you muttering in the streets on Day 4 about the FBI.
Oh my God! I hooked up with a guy who did that. He didn’t look high, but he started talking about the FBI and a van down the street and I was like, “You got to go!” I have a low tolerance for that.
You’ve done lots of porn over the years.
I started doing porn after I had already gotten sober, which is pretty unusual. Most people get sober in the middle of their career or after it. But when I was drinking I didn’t value myself and had low self-esteem. After a year sober, a boyfriend sent pictures of me to Playgirl and they published them. Then I started modeling and after a few years I actually did my first movie.
It’s interesting because guys have one of two motivations it seems for going into porn. Either they do it because they have terrible self-esteem or because they have great self-esteem.
It’s hard to beat being called pretty. It’s nice to be recognized. A guy at the gym today asked me where he could see more of me. I told him, “Google.” But it’s not nice for people to come up to me and touch me without asking.
Nobody touches me without paying for it.
Wait. You’re a hooker?
No, but stranger things have happened.
Girl’s got to eat.
So have you pulled a Ryan Raz and sold your shit to a fan?
Yeah. On Ebay.
No, I mean, he told me a few years ago that he literally sold his shit to a fan for $600. As in poop.
Oh, no, I’m not up for that. But I do have an , mostly sportswear from my closet. I also put out photo CDs that I made myself.
Do you enjoy being hot?
How fun for you.
I’m 38 and I have a six pack.
Is that the favorite body part of yours?
No doubt. Because you have to trim and bulk a bunch of times before you can get to the point of having a six pack. That’s why it’s at the height of physical fitness. In order to have that showing, all the rest of you has to be in good condition first. Then it’ll pop.
I guess that makes sense. Because you tend not to see many guys walking around with six packs and, like, flabby arms and chests.
So tell me about your recovery today.
I have a sponsor, I go to meetings, and I have sponsees.
Was it fun to ? His dick would be on a Top 5 list if I were to make one.
Yeah, that was my first full-length movie.
I’ve masturbated to that scene.
So have I.
You jerk off to your own scenes?
Just a few of them. Especially ones with my ex-husband, Alex Summers. Our chemistry was, well, we were married, we were really connected. Even on . I’ve watched that so many times, me just plowing his ass. I still beat off to those. Which is fucked up.
You’re right. Well, thank you for the interview, Adam! I’m going to go quit smoking then call you.
Paul B. was a previous editor of The Sword.
See much of Adam’s work on , and visit Adam’s website at .